I often say that there is reality and then there is your reaction to reality. Bad stuff happens. The difference between successful people and most people is that winners know how to deal with negative emotions. They understand that emotions are temporary, but only if you let them go. 

Let’s say you stub your toe on the side of the bottom step (ouch). You immediately draw in a sharp breath and begin to hop around, muttering a couple of choice words. Hours later, you are asked by a loved one, “How are you?”. What’s your reply? Do you recount the event, or will you move on? The pain is one thing, the emotion about the pain is another thing entirely. Although I was never a fan of the saying, “this too shall pass,” it is important to understand that negative emotions can be let go.  

It’s important to practice letting emotions flow through your mind and be washed away. After all, if you can’t control the little emotions, how can you possibly expect to navigate the big changes in life? It hurts to lose your job, but don’t let the pain linger. My disability often puts me in a pickle. In the past, I used to get angry but now I understand how negative emotions can soak up a lot of energy and focus if you let them. I’d sometimes lose a whole day just because I was dwelling on the challenges of my disability. What a waste of a day! Today I choose to put that energy into writing, creating, my marriage, my friendships and making other people laugh. As a sports fan, I often get captivated by the weekly games but if my team loses, I don’t let it affect the next day. My negative emotions are short lived. That’s the discipline.  

The Role Of Positivity 

Just be happy! Keep smiling and everything will be alright! I wish positive thinking were that straightforward. I certainly believe positivity is key to success. How many times have you talked your way out of an opportunity or a promotion? But positivity can be as much an excuse as negativity. There’s a reason why you are frustrated, angry or overwhelmed. Ignoring those emotions risks sweeping something important under the rug. 

Failing to deal with negative emotions in the right way means they will inevitably pop up at the worst time. Ignored negative emotions compound over time and end up hurting your ability to make proper decisions. If ten good things happen during that day, but then you stub your toe, the brain will focus on that throbbing toe for hours. 

Researchers say humans need three positive experiences to counterbalance one negative experience. This is called the Losada Ratio. In my estimation, the average is likely a little bit higher. But that’s just me. This is where positivity can be a tool, not a crutch. If I only focused on the challenges, I would have no emotional energy left to enjoy the blessings. 

Failing to properly deal with negative emotions as they appear leads to stress. We have all met those who treat a hang nail like it’s a five-alarm fire. They go into drama mode instantly. Why is this happening? People can either bring a blow torch or an extinguisher to any bad situation. This comes down to mindset. I am a victim of cerebral palsy. Although the affliction is not my fault, it is my responsibility to maintain an empowering emotional reaction to it. There will be something in your life that often leads to stressful situations. Are you in control of the emotions that arise in these moments? Or are they allowed to engulf you? 

A neat trick I’ve learned to deal with emotions is to have the proper expectations. If a salesperson knows it takes one hundred calls to make a sale, they won’t be as stressed when they’ve sold nothing after just twenty calls. Someone living in Los Angeles would be silly to expect no traffic, cheap gas, or low taxes. 

Wrong expectations are the thieves of joy. Life will never work out exactly how you imagine. But as I said earlier, it can be wise to re-evaluate your expectations based on past results. Learning how to embrace the appropriate reaction to whatever happens, regardless of whether they comport with your expectations, will slice away a significant chunk of stress from life. 

The goal of better expectations is not to avoid negative emotions. It is to have enough emotional discipline to get back on track when (if) those expectations are proven wrong. Without proper expectations it’s tough to make proper plans at all, let alone stick to them. 

Stress isn’t all bad, however. Being exposed to stress is part of growth. A weightlifter wouldn’t be able to advance if they refuse to let callouses develop on their hands. Those callouses are the results of stress in your life. By avoiding stress entirely, you risk having no skills to deal with it when it inevitably arrives. Careful and gradual exposure to stress, tempered with emotional discipline, can be a positive addition to any pursuit of goals. 

This is a crucial point because no matter how you try, it is impossible to block all sources of stress. Stress can be caused by past decisions catching up to you – even good decisions. There can be a lag between the time you make a decision and the effect of the decisions. Even the most prudent investment in your future will still create less stress later. However, the worse stress comes from not planning at all. A simple example is the discipline of placing your keys in the same spot the moment you enter the house. Otherwise, leaving the house will put you in a state of fluster which needlessly wastes a bunch on energy. The same concept applies to setting up your workspace, emergency fund or anything in your life. 

Unfortunately, the way most people deal with stress only causes more stress. They handle stress by shopping, eating, drinking, gambling, using drugs or other forms of self-destructive behavior. These kinds of coping mechanisms lead to being less productive and more stressed out, which in turn pushes them right back their destructive ways in a horrible feedback loop. Coping mechanisms might provide a brief respite, but in the long run they will cause a see-saw effect that swings from stress to numbness, rarely moving forward.