For the last few months, my manager Kristi and I have been talking about our next steps with my speaking and writing career. Kristi has always brought up the fact that I underestimate my struggles as a human being and neither of us has been able to figure out why that was.

Is it because I’m not self-aware? Actually, I am very self-aware. I know myself very well. If I’m having a good day, I know why and vice-versa. Is it because I live in a cocoon where I only understand my own life? I wish that was the case because it’s only when I think about other people’s lives that I say my life is hard. There are days when I wish that I could only look at my own life in a vacuum. Is it the fact that I don’t let anything get to me? Of course not. I have bad days just like everyone else. I throw hissy fits like any other human being. I get frustrated when I can’t do something right.

Then what is the issue? Why do I keep underestimating my struggles?

I finally figured it out. It’s the fact that every time I think of all the things I can’t do I get overwhelmed, depressed, and at times angry. If I go through the day thinking of how hard my life is, how I have to struggle to communicate, how I can’t type as fast as Kristi, how I need my roommate’s help to take a shower, I become depressed and angry.

There are times when we have to underestimate our problems in order to deal with them. There are days when I just think about everything I can’t do, how hard it  for me to go to the bathroom, the fact that I can’t run out and buy a pizza by myself, and many more things. Those are the times when I play the victim. I fantasize about not being disabled. I become lonely, angry, and depressed. Much of my adult life I went through days where I was in this state and it was the worst feeling in the world.

It’s not the fact that I underestimate my struggles. It’s the fact that I choose to ignore them, just a little bit.

Timelapse - Lighthouse (Oct 2012) from IMK Digital Multimedia on Vimeo.